Instant Cure

I have a cold.

Being the daughter of a pharmacist, this is the first time I have had to deal with illness apart from the aid of medicine. In suffering from a head-cold-induced migraine, I stumbled upon the perfect "natural" cure.

Down 12 ounces of corn syrup laced coke while taking an excessively long, excruciatingly hot shower.

Side Effects:
You will probably deposit little, dried flakes of what used to be your skin all over the house while your insides suffer untold damage from the corn syrup, the full extent of which only your grandchildren will truly understand. Also, your husband may come home from work with inquiries as to how the bathroom paint peeled off of the walls and ceiling in the course of one day.

I deem these side effects as minor sacrifices in the name of instant gratification from pain. Attempt this cure at your own risk.